Motherhood

I was so happy to have Liv home just in time for Mother's Day. My prayers were definitely answered and my heart was full. I think the first picture captures motherhood perfectly. Liv was pulling my hair and Van didn't want to be photographed... typical kid behavior. When I look back on these photos someday I won't wish my kids were smiling and looking at the camera; I will remember what that tugging felt like and what that toddler fit sounded [and looked] like.

Being a mom is hard on so many levels. You carry a baby for nine months and watch your body grow like it's just as shocking the second time as it was the first, you deliver a baby and conquer the painful experience of child birth, and then there's after you have the baby. And I'm not talking about how cute your baby is when they sneeze or how fast you can change a diaper. I'm talking about the post baby stuff nobody likes to talk about.

After the craziness of Liv being born wore off and the long and trying NICU days were over, we got our happily ever after and Liv finally came home! Things were really great for a while and we were so thankful. But then I started to feel sad. I didn't like the way I was feeling and I especially didn't like the way I was feeling about myself. I felt overwhelmed and alone. I felt left behind and helpless. I was extremely stressed and emotional. Somehow this all made me feel stupid and I couldn't pin point why. Life was hard in an entirely new way.

Liv couldn't poop on her own or breastfeed, which was heartbreaking to me. I had a Pediatrician at the time who wouldn't listen to my concerns. Van cried every time Drew left for another work trip and woke up screaming his name at night. I hated my post baby body and couldn't stand another conversation about how "nursing made me skinny" or "breastfeeding is easy". My milk supply was never well established and I was constantly trying new remedies to boost it. I was pumping every 2-3 hours, even through the night so I was barely sleeping. Aside from the pumping I was bottle feeding and attempting to nurse at least twice a day. Liv and I got thrush again so I was constantly sanitizing and soaking everything in vinegar. I felt trapped to my house. I didn't have any time to myself. Then the major mom guilt set in.

I'm not doing enough. Liv was on a rigorous physical therapy plan, Van wasn't getting as much attention, the hospital bills were piling up, and my hair started to fall out by the handful. People kept telling me none of that stuff really mattered, but the dark feelings crept up on me making me feel like I could cry at any moment. When it all became too much I would stop and look at my beautiful kids, hold them close, and remind myself to be happy. Eventually the fog lifted and I started to feel like myself again.

I did not go through anything like this after having Van, but I think this was a very normal reaction to the trauma I had been through with Liv. Looking back I learned a lot from this time and if I can help any other mom who might be in a similar situation by sharing this than I'll be happy and wish I could give you a big cyber hug and tell you, "You're a great mom!"

Every day is a new chance to be a better mom. It's easy to feel lost in the role of motherhood and not completely lose yourself in the process. I know being a mom is the greatest and most important thing I'll ever do with my life and I would do absolutely anything for my kids because the love of a mother is fierce. Life is a constant work in progress, but the biggest hurdle is accepting yourself and where you are and to do your best to become a healthier and happier version of yourself--stretch marks and all.