Mixed Feelings

After finding out we were having a girl my emotions took me for a surprise. I suddenly felt overwhelmed with how I can love two babies so much, and worried about letting go of Van--in a way. He's my first baby! Now I'm going to have another baby! I don't want to miss Van while I'm falling in love all over again. Becoming a mother of two quickly felt real, and not in the way I expected.

I mourned a strange sort of loss with Van that night. I crawled into his room and laid on the floor next to his crib, holding his hand and just looking at him as he fell asleep. He seemed to have sensed how I was feeling and reached out for me. I picked him up and held him, said a prayer, and told him how much I loved him. It was Christmas Eve so I sang Away in a Manger as tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn't seem to control my feelings and barely managed to finish the song.

Eventually I put Van back down, closed the door, and sat on top of the stairs. I talked to Drew and he reassured me everything is going to be okay and told me how great a mom I am. He said he can already feel his heart making room for his baby girl, and I know my heart will too.