Rites of Passage

I have been spending time lately reflecting on this day...

And the many days that led up to this day.... all 438 days of them (roughly).

This was our first picture together. I think I sensed from the beginning that being with Drew was going to push me way out of my comfort zone. Let me explain.

I have a friend who currently got engaged. We were talking and I decided I wanted to give her a book I bought last year that I heard about in one of my psychology classes. It is called The Conscious Bride by Sheryl Nissinen, a bridal counselor. I bet you didn't even know those existed! Probably because nobody ever talks about the shadows that lurk behind the decision to marry. I decided since I want to give it to her tomorrow, I needed to finish reading it today. And to say the least, it answered some of the deepest questions in my heart.

This is the wonderful day that my husband proposed to me. This is where the rites of passage to marriage begin. Drew's proposal to me was simple and I was happy to say yes. No one proposal is better than another. The engagement ring is a symbol of union and separation, only we can determine its meaning and its meaning can change over time. The rites of passage to marriage are full of paradoxes, often contrived of conflicting feelings, feeling everything, to feeling completely numb. 

I felt like writing this post because nobody talks about the "dark side" of getting married. All you hear is the happy blissful stories of brides to be and how their love is perfectly passionate and once they get married they will live happily ever after! Let me tell you, this book shares the reality of what you can go through that is NORMAL. I used to think that because I was scared to get married that it was wrong to feel that way and I must have been making some sort of mistake. It led me to not expressing these feelings and making my rites of passage longer and harder. 

Let me remind you, everybody is different. I am sharing just a taste of what I went through and am explaining it in a way that I have finally come to understand psychologically (so glad I was a psych major). I believe I picked up this book at the perfect timing because the semester I graduated I learned about all this rites of passage stuff. So funny how life works.

The first stage in rites of passage is separation. Separation from girlfriends, boy friends, parents, family... all that good stuff you have grown to love so much. They call the engagement period the liminal phase, also known as limbo. This stage can be full of fear and grief, loneliness, clarity and confusion... you name it. I'm hear to tell you this is normal! Emotions like this are your bodies way of communicating a need during this shedding of your identity. Although during your engagement you have so much to look forward to, you also have to let go and say goodbye.

 The second stage in rites of passage is transition. The wedding day is a day of transition. I remember on my wedding day I was so dang nervous I didn't even let myself enjoy it! I mean really be present in it all. I thought my wedding day was supposed to be the best day of my life! Well, I can say it was the best decision I've ever made in my life but I'd be lying if I said it was the best day of my life. Don't get me wrong, it was absolutely beautiful and I loved my wedding day. But thanks to the media, we all have such high expectations for the wedding day, emotionally. To get to the point, the quality of your wedding day doesn't determine the success or failure of your marriage.

 The third stage in rites of passage is incorporation, or becoming a wife in your first year of marriage! I don't know if you're anything like me, but before I got married I was like, "Shoot! I gotta learn how to cook and sew and all the good wife/mommy stuff!" Well, I did. And I love to sew and be crafty, but not cook. Drew cooks, and that's how we roll. Don't deny a natural impulse or blindly follow a predetermined role. We, as women, define the role of being a wife.  Be the wife you want to be!

Allow time to grieve singlehood and embrace marriage. Allow time to finish your rites of separation and don't think something is wrong with you if it continues some into your marriage. These life stages are critical in your personal development. Change takes getting used to. This is a major psychological transition! The reality of adjustment isn't always bliss. The notion of "happily ever after" and living in your own fairy tale is a lie and just the beginning to the rest of your life, or in some cases--eternity! The fairy tale lies in the normal, everyday interactions with your spouse. That's what marriage is about and that's what should be cherished.

 A quote in the book I loved said, "She must die, she must sit in the unknown, and then she will be reborn." How true is that? Is that not what faith is all about? Oh, I love how things come together. As we go through the hard things we go through in this life, as we let down times run their course, the spark will eventually return and we will begin the process of becoming a wife. In being the wife we want to be, the new challenge is to continue to blossom as an individual and as a couple.
Another wise quote in the book said, "Expectation is the root of all suffering." We cannot expect to fulfill each others weaknesses in our marriages, that won't bring lasting happiness. Fulfill yourself emotionally and spiritually and give rather than taking or getting. That sense of euphoria comes from within each individual, not merely by being with that special someone in your life. 

I feel so self educated today and am glad I read this book. Hope I didn't bore you if you made it to the end of this post. I just cannot express enough how right Marvin J Ashton was when he said true love is a process and true love takes time.

xoxo